Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
