Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
