Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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