how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
