I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
