i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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