Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just had sex bonerless
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
