Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
