Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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