Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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