I feel like I'm in dance class right now
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
