Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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