Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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