when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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