what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
These tits shall not be calmed
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
