he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
