Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
