i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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