We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
