I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
