Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
