Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
