This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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