I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
