also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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