Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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