Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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