i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
