I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
