well he's currently spooning the coffee table
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
