I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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