why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
this beer tastes like vomit already
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
