Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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