Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
