omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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