i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
