these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
