listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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