oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
