i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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