I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
