i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
