i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
