real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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