The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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