You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
