Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
