I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
