I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
