11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
