dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
