There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
