my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
