i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
