You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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